I have decided to do something meaningful with my life. I’m running for President of the United States in 2016.
I will be 35 years old just in time for the election, making me constitutionally eligible. I’ll be running as an independent, to avoid allying myself with either of the two major parties – it’s time for a change.
Most people get into politics at a lower level first, running for governor, maybe senator, before running for the most powerful office in the country, but my ideas simply can’t wait for that long – the country needs me now.
If you’re wondering about my political experience, you’ve got nothing to worry about. I’ve successfully registered to vote, and have even been aware of the names of the candidates of multiple past presidential elections. So that puts me way ahead of the curve, and the perfect choice for the next 8 years.
My campaign platform is as follows:
- Daylight Saving Time: My first order of business is to cancel Daylight Saving Time. Any state or US territory attempting to implement DST starting in 2017 will be subject to federal imprisonment.
- Marriage Equality: Marriage should be between any two people who love each other, or between an old rich man and a hot 22-year-old gold-digger.
- Tax: Anyone who voted for me will receive a 15% rebate on their income tax for as long as I remain in office.
- National Pride: The Geico gecko will be named as the official lizard of the United States. Also, Cheez-Whiz and all Cheez-Whiz-related products will be officially classified as delicious.
- Federal Holidays: SuperBowl Sunday will be defined as a national holiday, and all American citizens will be legally obligated to watch the game. Exceptions will be made for emergency workers and pizza/wings restaurant employees, but in those cases, federal tax rebates will be given to hospitals, police stations, and restaurants to install TVs in their locations and vehicles so they can watch while they work.
- Washington Morale: There will be a mandatory toga party every other Saturday on the White House lawn.
I haven’t decided on a running mate just yet, but I’m currently considering Bill Clinton, or possibly Morgan Freeman.
I’ve done some travelling to see what kind of chance I’ll have in the election, and after vising the great states of New England, Long Island, and Minneapolis, I think I’ve got a shot. 3 states down, 54 to go.